Posts Tagged ‘The human centipede’

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I’ve been waiting my whole life for this film to be made. It was a topic that had to be dealt with at some point, yet filmmakers were avoiding the 900 pound gorilla in the room. Yes, folks, they finally heard our clamoring and produced the film we have all been waiting for – a film that depicts, in painstakingly realistic fashion, the joining of three human beings from ass to mouth into a single, centipede-like organism! Woot!

I had reservations about watching this film, and my friends thought that was just ridiculous. After all, why wouldn’t I want to see a film about three people who are sewn together and forced to ingest each other’s, well, poop? Somewhat reluctantly, I watched the film.

The main character, a crazy, murderous German dude (aren’t they all?), does a decent job playing the “nutty professor” role, sans comedic flare of Eddie Murphy. Funny, though, how Germans take to these types of roles perfectly – it’s almost as if it’s in their cultural traditions to be grotesquely murderous… Hmmm… Second, the two people who get the “shit end of the stick”, so to speak (in other words, mouths sewn to anuses), are a couple of very amateurish actresses who would have otherwise been relegated to b-rated flicks with bad writing and silly topics that would never get mainstream attention….oh wait…. That brings me to my third point. While this was a b-rated, b-budgeted, generally b-talent-level film with adolescent-level writing quality at times, the director and cinematographer (if they had budget for one) appeared to do a respectable job of planning out shots and building suspense – almost to the point where you felt you were watching an authentic Hollywood film! Until the introduction of the centipede…then you are reminded that you were watching a b-rated flick with bad writing and silly topics that would never get mainstream attention….

Now for my formal “literary”-type analysis. The centipede becomes a separate character unto itself. Albeit with a midsection that appears to display human emotions of crying and screaming (muffled, but you can still hear it), the centipede takes center stage and develops a persona all its own (mostly a frustrated, angry one, but a persona nonetheless). The “head” of the centipede is played by a Japanese dude who is babbling that Japanese gibberish the whole time – and it’s probably good he doesn’t speak a “normal” language like English. This allows the centipede to stay emotionally disconnected from the (most likely) English-speaking audience. This is good, because, after all, centipedes can’t speak English! The centipede doesn’t appear to take kindly to dog-style obedience training either, and doesn’t like to be caged. So, if you were thinking of adopting a centipede, be mindful of these facts, and this: the third “part” tends to develop infections around its “connection” area and requires periodic replacement altogether. A messy proposition indeed!

I hear part two is in the making, or has already been produced. This time, the centipede grows to a “proper” 12 part organism. The powers that be anticipated our wishes this time, and we didn’t even need to clamor for it! Count me in!!

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